In a study of over 3,000 convicted child molesters in California prisons, researchers asked one question: Why did you assault one child and not another? The answer was when a child said “No,” 75% of the time the molester left the child alone and if the child said "I am going to tell" the percentage jumped to 90%. In our Karate for Safe Kids program we teach children that a stranger is everyone, except the people you, as a parent, say they can trust. (Unless the child feels bad about the person. Then all bets are off but this idea is a subject for another article). We go on to tell the children that most strangers are good, but since you cannot tell the good from the bad, always ask your parents who you can trust. After all, that is what parents are for. Further, we draw some black and white guidelines. For instance, we tell children that adults, and this means teenagers too, know better than to give a child a present or ask them to go with them. Adults also know that it is wrong to ask any child to keep a secret from their parents. Anyone who does one of these things is a bad stranger. You want to get away from them and stay away from them and tell your parents as fast as you can.

One effective way to support your children and gain a greater knowledge of what is going on in their lives is to brainstorm solutions to problems. First, preface your question with a reason for asking it. For instance, “On TV last night the news was talking about a man trying to get children into his car by offering them free kittens. If this happened to you, what would be a couple of good things to do?” After coming to agreement on several courses of action, make it perfectly clear to your child that you are there to support them and help them solve any problems they have. To support this, pop-quiz them on a regular basis. This will re-enforce their proper course of action and that you are always there for them.

Since child/parent communication is a cornerstone of family safety, developing mechanisms of clear communication when you and your child are apart is essential. A valuable tool is a CODE WORD. The purpose of a code word is two fold. One, if you need your child/children to go with someone and you are not able to personally tell them, your child/children will know it is all right to leave with that person because they know the code word. Two, through the use of the code word, you make it very hard for someone to con your child into going with them, because you and your child have created a yes or no scenario, "No code word, no go."

Since 84% of the time a person trying to harm your child knows your family, the code word must be something simple that everyone can remember but not so obvious that an acquaintance of the family can figure it out Get your children’s input on what the code word should be because children tend to remember better when they actively participate in its choosing. Practice the code word as you would practice a fire drill: regularly. This gives the child a chance to achieve and please through quality interaction with you. Also it re-enforces just how important knowing the code word is and that you never go with anyone who does not know it. One last thought. It is not a good idea to have your child’s name on their shirts or jackets. It enables a stranger to call them by name and pretend that they know them and are a friend of the family.

The two types of people that are most skilled at identifying a child with low self-esteem is a drug dealer and a child molester. Children want nothing more that interaction and approval of their parents. Our first line of defense against those who would prey on our children is the quality time we spend with them.

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